Being Amber

Hello boys and girls, I’m here to make the unfunny funny. This is a recap of ‘Being Amber’ and Amber hasn’t been funny for years. In fact, I kind of hold her and her daughter, Leah, close to my heart and hope the best for them. With that being said, wish me luck! Amber’s brother, Shawn, and mom are picking her up at prison following her release after a 17 month stint for drugs and domestic violence. She looks healthy and happy but I think orange is no longer the new black, gray is the new black. Anyhoo, Amber’s mom has some kind of weird speech impediment, it sounds like she is a little high or drunk all the time and maybe she is, Amber didn’t get to where she is now on her own she had some parental help, just saying. What is kind of shocking is how MTV is knocking now the invisible wall between us and the MTV production crew because just down the road from the prison the MTV is waiting for Amber and we get to see them. Not only do we see them but they speak too! Anyhoo, Amber is excited to see them, hugs all around and she tells us that the MTV producers have encouraged her bad and illegal behavior in the last five years and she has agreed to let them film her. MTV asks her how often she has seen Leah while in prison and Amber doesn’t want to answer that question but once back in the car she bitches to her brother that she has only seen Leah three times and it was because Gary is an ass but let’s get to the good part. They are going to eat at a Big Boy’s! Big Boy is real? I thought it was just a gag in the Austin Power’s movie! Who knew? I soooo want to go to one! Oh yeah, and Amber’s father is there to surprise her. Apparently he hasn’t died yet. Oh, another good part! Amber orders the Big Boy platter and a chocolate shake! That is one lucky chick! Anyhoo, Amber is going to live with her grandparents while she adjusts to her new life. They seem nice, they look like what grandparents should look like. Helpful prison hint: Prison hairspray is very diluted so prisoners add jolly ranchers to make it more…sticky? She doesn’t really finish. Helpful prison hint 2: One can be attacked while on the toilet taking a poo so be…careful? Look, Amber, I really want to write about you in a good light but you are making it difficult when you don’t finish your sentences. Work with me here, dammit. Leah! Man is she cute! Leah is off to see her mom but first Gary must passive-aggressively make her feel bad for wanting to see her mom by suggesting Leah is picking her mom over him. Ass. Amber and Leah have a nice, sweet reunion but while Leah is hugging Amber Gary passive-aggressively makes Leah feel bad for hugging her mom by saying, “Don’t give all my hugs away.” I hate that guy. Kids are so great! Leah tells everyone, in front of Gary, that he has a new girlfriend, Kristina, and Kristina has a child, Karly. It is very awkward and very fun to watch! The next morning Amber tells her grandfather that perhaps she should have gotten used to being out of prison before agreeing to be filmed. Insightful and true. She leaves the room in tears. She is crying to her great and supportive friend MTV that she has hurt Leah and Leah thinks she will go back to prison, as she is saying this her great and supportive friend MTV film Leah standing outside the door listening to all it. Leah rushes into the room and tries to comfort her mother and she does. The child is mothering the mother. Amber’s father and brother come by to say goodbye. Amber says she wants use her MTV money to open some rehab facilities and that MTV was very supportive of her while in prison. MTV kept in contact with her and sent pictures which is more than what most people did. While I do believe MTV was supportive I still believe that they were also doing it for selfish reasons. She has a good story and they want to tell it and sell it. Anyhoo, over at Gary’s house we meet the new chica, Kristina, while they discuss Leah’s birthday plans. Umm…she seems nice but she is still suspect because she is dating Gary. After much debate by everyone it was decided that they will hold two separate birthday parties for Leah because Amber cannot handle being around the new chica. Apparently, while in prison Gary was telling Amber he stilled loved her and they would be together but got with his new chica three months before Amber’s release. Even though Amber is hurt her family says they think it is a good thing because Amber and Gary are toxic together. Agreed. Amber and her cousin, Krystal, (Side note: What is up with all the “K” names? Why does everyone one have an issue with the letter “C”? I personally have an issue with the letter “Y” because it is both a consonant and a vowel, pick one side and stick with it letter “Y”. I call it the bi-Y but what’s not to like about the letter “C”?) go shopping for Leah’s birthday and Amber tells “K”rystal that she has wanted to get high all morning! Oh my, I’m sure it is true and probably normal but she needs to get herself to an AA meeting stat! Again Amber is insightful and says she doesn’t understand why Gary won’t let her let him go. She doesn’t want to but knows she needs to. The first three years they were together was great but then he got a big head from her great and supportive friend MTV. She says she needs to let go of what he used to be and realize he will never return to that Gary she knew and loved. Exactly! And along with letting go of Gary she should try letting go of her great and supportive friend MTV, she needs to make some new friends who aren’t always following her around with cameras, just saying. Anyhoo, we are at Gary’s house with “K”ristina again and Gary is assuring “K”ristina that he and Leah will not replace her with Amber or something like that. “K”ristina says it’s all cool because she isn’t Leah’s mom and she isn’t there to replace Amber. That bitch! I knew something is up with her! Leah has two great birthday parties and it makes me wish my parents had divorced. Silver linings. Oh, snap! Leah accidentally calls “K”ristina “Mommy”! “K”risinta corrects her and Leah says she wants to call her mommy too. “K”ristina doesn’t know what to say and looks horrified. Bitch. Gary tells her she did a good job of handling it and gives her a hug but “K”ristina looks like she wants to barf (from the hug)and I’m starting to warm up to her. Amber and her mother talk about Amber’s future. Her mom encourages her to get a job and I laugh. Amber astutely points out that she has had only one job and that was at a burger joint. She reminisces about the good old days when Gary worked and they had the townhouse but then her great and supportive friend MTV started giving her money and everything blew up. What are friends for? Amber is going to Gary’s house to talk about Leah and Gary tells “K”ristina she and “K”arly need to leave. Ouch! “K”ristina, like the true bitch she is, responds that she hope the conversation is productive and they can work out their issues concerning Leah. Whatever. Then the home wrecking ho starts crying and says she is afraid of losing Gary to Amber, blah, blah, blah. Gary talks her off the ledge. Amber and Gary have an adult and meaningful conversation. Suckers! They fight over “K”ristina and Gary tells Amber she is his addiction and he has conquered it/her and she pretty much calls him a douchebag. The end. Except I can’t believe that is really the end and I expect we will be seeing more of Amber being.